So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
