No stitches, just platelets and will power
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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