the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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