foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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