i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
