You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
