she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I deserve this hangover.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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