Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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