You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
