Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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