cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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