Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
