so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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