He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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