I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
