Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
that's an acceptable place to lick
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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