you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
