i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
