What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
