as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
