And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
