Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
