i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
