I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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