I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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