I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
