He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
