i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
