who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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