remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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