Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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