I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
