I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
