You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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