He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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