why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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