so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
