Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
