How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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