mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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