she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
