Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
