Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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