The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
