I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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