It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
