I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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