if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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