Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
