I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
