I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
