My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
